A CRUSH IS A SCAM

Have you ever had a crush on someone so insanely, up until the day you learnt something about them and the crush turned into crushed? Maybe you finally got the balls to walk up to them and say, “Hey shawry?” Or for the ladies, you did a Kansime feat that got you noticed. Upon starting a conversation and probably a few rounds of conversation, you knew that those rounds wouldn’t graduate into any other kinds of rounds. You got a peek into their way of thinking and their school of thought is definitely not among the group of schools. Maybe they are just so ill mannered in how they talk and do things. You might have smelled their ego and it choked you like concentrated ammonium nitrate.

There’s a habit they have that is just so annoying or unbearable. Like being on their phone most of the time or not cleaning up after themselves. Maybe you realized they are chronic liars, it’s like a disease that is in its full-blown stage. You’ve grown never to believe anything they say, even if they call you and say, “Nikona hoba.”

Or rather you established that they are born again and filled with the Holy Ghost yet you? Maybe you just don’t think they can level up to your freaky. Or you’re also born again, Christ confessing but the church she goes to starts with the name ‘Helicopter’ or they normally wear so long coats and dresses. You appreciate the decency but you don’t agree with the religious rules enforcing it.

Maybe you realized they are sick with something infectious or has no cure, or both.

They may also tell you straight up that they are gay. You almost want to beg them to recalibrate their orientation but the best they can do is settle for a bi-relationship. You’re the jealous type so you say no and excuse yourself. Or as a man, you attempt to ask whether you can third wheel in her relationship with her girl. She shows you her girl and realize she’s a tomboy. You jump ship. As a lady, it breaks your heart and you ghost him. You just cannot stand to be just friends with such a fine boy. Some ladies. Other ladies will make peace and keep the friendship. I hear girls say gay guys make the best of friends.

Maybe he or she is taken. And again, you’re the jealous type.

Maybe he has a baby mama or she’s a single mother. You could ghost her but rethink and say, “But she is a good woman.” You then find out her kid is a boy. Your heart punctures; because you once listened to Mike Mondo on Classic 105 talk about the issues surrounding a relationship with a single mother who has a son and you’d better be safe than sorry. But let’s say a year later you decide what the hell! And just before you make your move, she’s pregnant again. You retreat. Another year passes, you see her again on the socials. You just love seeing her. There’s something about her that is so attractive. You don’t know what it is. It could be her positive energy. Coupled up with her smile. Made worse by the shape of her body. She once posted herself in a pink pencil dress. You want to cry tears as you behold that pink wasp.

But she gave birth to another boy. Or shall we say, “Another, Banger!”

A part of you still wants her though. However, your ego cannot allow you to reach out because last time you did, she ignored you.

Maybe he’s broke.

Maybe she’s a kienyeji.

Maybe she smokes weed. In fact, as late as this morning, Maina Kageni is shocked at the rate which Kenyan ladies are going all kazoze with the herb.

Maybe he’s an alcoholic.

Maybe they’re always all about sherehe.

It could be he’s a pastor’s kid.

Or she has many piercings beyond places we can see.

You realized they eat a lot. That reminds me. This past weekend I was in shagz at my mum’s in Ukambani. As the family celebrations or chathe continued past lunch, a mzee walked up the hill and showed himself into the compound. My aunt gave him a place to sit somewhere under a tree. Jokes and laughter ensued behind me from my cousins. As we watched someone take a full plate of food over to him, they told me the mzee has a habit of going to places where tents are mounted so he could eat. A typical gate crusher. How does he know where the next celebration in the village will be? He has a plug, the tent hirers. He asks them where they are going to deliver a tent and that’s how he invites himself. That’s not even the funniest part. As I watched him wrap chapatis in a handkerchief and pocket them, I was told he eats unsatisfactorily. Last year during my grandfather’s funeral, he camped a whole week at our homestead. On the day of the burial, he ate several plates of food, besides tea, bread and soda, yet he still asked for more. He had to be chased away.

Moving on, maybe they talk a lot. Ever talking and poor in listening.

Or a gossiper.

You find out she’s an only fan.

You hear she has a sponsor or he has a cougar.

They have a body count you wished they just lied about.

He’s a female chauvinist or she’s a die-hard feminist.

He’s uncircumcised or a one-minute man, or both.

She’s after money.

The possibilities are endless

****

In short, A Crush is Just Lack of Information.

You’re way over your head for someone just because they have surpassed your standards of physical appeal. But then comes the game changer; personality appeal. Should you decide to act on your crush, you do so while oblivious of what you are likely to discover about them. If who they are was visible on their foreheads, chances are we wouldn’t be having a crush in the first place. Quite the opposite in fact.

In my entire life, there is nothing so fruitful that has ever proceeded from a crush. And by the way, many times, the feeling is not mutual for the person you’re crushing on. So more often than not, it ends up being an exercise of shooting blanks and almost embarrassing yourself. Crushes are driven by infatuation, and where infatuation is present, brains aren’t. You’re highly likely to end up doing things without thinking thus seeming so desperate. You think if you don’t act now, you’ll lose your chance.

Or say you get their attention, it’s not a pretty spot to be in especially if they know you’re crushing on them. It gets in their heads and they might take you for a ride. Worse if you’re a girl, that’s when you’ll discover that men are indeed dogs. A free bone is a free boner. I said it.

Funny story. Once I had a crush on a babes, for a significant period of time. I managed to make my move, she was digging it a bit (I thought) but being just a little bit of a year older than me was the excuse she pulled for announcing, on day two, that she prefers older guys so anything besides that couldn’t work. I held my horses but we became friends. That kind of friend you still crush on.

Sometime later, Daughter of Delilah enticed her way into my friend’s box. A friend who is more like brother. A friend who is just as old as I am. I know right? It was not until she dated my friend that I knew who she really was. Overbearing, overly possessive, insecure and petty were her underlying factors that nearly drove a brother nuts! Was I willing to go through that? No sir. Did I thank God that the shots I shot were equivalent to blanks for her? Oh yes! And did I continue to crush? Hell no!

But of course, a crush is not necessarily watered down after knowing something about them. It could be the craze just neutralized after you got to secure friendship with them and you discover that well, there is nothing about them that really fires your intestines.

And it is for that reason why I suggest we should grow beyond chasing crushes. It’s disappointing in most cases or just doesn’t prove to set our hearts on fire after we get what our eyes have been ogling at. Most importantly, it steers our attention away from the value that is hidden behind those our eyes don’t appeal to at first sight.

Speaking from experience, the ladies who have proven to be true and amazing in my life even through mere friendship are those who our paths crossed coincidentally and we just knew each other. They may not have been strikingly pretty like those you salivate at, but you end up becoming friends and that yields a glorious epiphany; that they are so beautiful. You don’t start the friendship with expectations or out of a lecherous intent. As a result, getting to know each other and relate continues to be a journey of blissful discovery day in and day out. You start to see the treasure hidden in their vessels which makes them beautiful to you. We’re not talking about looks here, we’re way past looks. Finding someone beautiful means they appeal to you both in and out. Such that should a hot thing pass before you, however much you may crush, you will still uphold your sanity because you’re contented with the value you discovered in someone else; that is if you already committed to one.

So you cannot have everyone. You cannot have everything in one. That is the lesson I have had to teach myself over the years. But that’s not all, teach yourself to know what’s for you and what’s not. He may not have everything, but can you stand what he doesn’t have? Some people, even after discovering something that’s a deal breaker in their crush – would still force themselves to take things to the next level.

She has a great nyash but she’s not a believer like you, you still push it. He’s rich but he’s toxic and chauvinistic, you still push it. Or she’s good, a little bit pretty, great body, lovely, you share the same faith, not lazy, well mannered, a giver, naughty when she is, would make a great match but she just doesn’t make your heart jump – and you still push it.

We’re stuck out here with people we don’t admire fully. Oh yes you could be admiring her physique, but unfortunately that’s where it ends. It means that’s the only thing that attracted you to them and that’s the only thing keeping you with them. Simply because you decided to chase the crush to the moon and back.

If it’s not everything in the list of your irreducible minimums, say pass and save your soul.

The treasure is in hidden vessels mjango.

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