GIRL TALK

“If a man finds a woman who is desperate enough, a woman who just wants something close to love, against all odds, he’ll treat her in any kind of way, as long as he still acts like he wants her. Just a little manipulation here and there to get what he wants from her. Because, a woman like that isn’t going anywhere, she’s lonely, she needs love. She wants him, even if it means getting a fraction of whatever she deserves. And no one is as determined as a woman on a mission, especially that kind of mission because then, her ears are deaf to any warnings and her eyes blind to the conspicuous red flags”

This statement from my editor got me thinking. How true is this? Why do ladies go after men that don’t really want them? They constantly audition for them and try their best to be noticed while ignoring good guys who genuinely celebrate them. I am a man, and I know maybe not so well but well enough about the times we are genuine and the times we aren’t. I have been in those shoes myself, needless to say. I have been at a place where I discovered that questioning myself about whether I genuinely like a particular girl was a question with almost the same intensity as a matter of national security. In the social world that is. I have seen ladies who have settled for men who don’t genuinely like them. I have not been fully able to understand why they drool over men who trample on them like kids on a bouncing castle. I do not understand what their drive is. But I guess the social rule in our nature states that ‘We always want who we cannot get.’

What is it with ladies? It is said that nobody understands women, not even themselves. But, who is in a better position to understand this gender a little? Not me, ofcourse, so mjango, I decided to bring along your fellow sisters to have their say about it. Yes, it’s a girl’s tea party today. You girls talk and we, the men, sit back and listen. Just like we had our beer party last week and the other week. I’m leaving the party to be chaired by my editor. She brought some of her lady friends along too. So Katutu, take it away.

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Girl talk one on one – Why do ladies chase after guys that are clearly a slow poison for their system? What do we have to say in our defence?

From Oprah Muthoni;

“Recently, I came across an episode of the Mel Robbins show that was titled “The Psychology of Compatibility”. In this age of click bait, I didn’t really expect much from the video but I stand corrected. A lot of interesting things were said during the show but what stuck out for me was an answer to a pertinent question that was asked, “Why do people constantly go after people that they are not compatible with?” So naturally, when a friend told me that he would like a lady’s perspective on a piece about why ladies pursue men who don’t want them, I jumped on the opportunity.

It is often said that we look for partners who complement us, but do we ever ask in what way? According to the guest relationship therapist on the show, we do this to fill a need. Either this person brings healing, causes us to grow and to become a better version of ourselves or they enable our bad behaviours, allowing us to be triggered into maintaining the dysfunctional patterns that we are comfortable with; otherwise referred to as a wound mate. I will be focusing on the latter because I think that that is what causes us as ladies to go for men who don’t really want us, and leave behind those who would take a bullet for us.

We put on a ‘bad girl’ demeanor in an effort to attract the unattainable, dreamy yet toxic Chris Brown or if I may bring it closer home, Diamond Platnumz types. We pursue them tirelessly and by all means possible until they finally say yes because God forbid such guys say no to a good time. Once we succeed, we feel accomplished to have ‘the guy’. The one whom we pursued, changed ourselves for, went through hell and high water to be with yet ironically feel lucky to have. We are happy and somewhat proud because our girlfriends envy us as they wonder how we managed to bag such a catch. What we fail to consider is that men relish the chase just as much as they do the kill. Until these men find the girls whom they actually want and go for them. Where does that leave us? I will tell you where. It leaves us in our rooms crying mascara tears at 2am in the morning because that heavy chest feeling won’t let us sleep. It leaves us captioning Instagram pictures with quotes such as ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. It leaves us on Pinterest making boards titled ‘heartbreak Quotes’.

It takes a lot to be ourselves rather than who we think we should be around people. After all, it is much easier to put on a mask; pun intended. This could be as a result of so many things; daddy issues, past trauma, peer pressure or really poor decision making. Going after such men eliminates the discomfort and anxiety that comes with doing things differently. By different I mean being brave and vulnerable enough to show up as ourselves and be comfortable with who that person is regardless of what others think or say. Reply to that good guy whom you keep blueticking, give him a chance. You may finally experience how it feels to be treated like the trophy.”

Louder for the ladies at the back! Go where you’re celebrated. That guy you’re constantly ignoring might be your knight in shining armour- the prince charming you dream about all day, the one you read about in novels, the one that swam across the ocean for his lover.

You’re most attractive when you’re not worried about who you are attracting ~Heidi Priebe.

According to Olivia,

You shouldn’t have to convince someone of anything. It’s like buying a car. For some customers you have to sit down and show them features and options and take them on a test drive to convince them to buy. Some come in, already done their research, knowing exactly what they want. And they go for nothing short of that. Nothing can convince them otherwise. Some of you have this customer in your inbox, or even at home right now. You’re an escalade with an owner that doesn’t know how to maintain you. Then after a while he will trade you in for a new one. The man you want, is the man that’s gonna ride till the wheels fall off. So sis, stop selling yourself short and parading for a man.

“This reminds me few years back, I took to the gym, not because I wasn’t cormfortable with my body, or I really wanted to join the fitness club or because I had some jiggly thighs I wanted firm, no, that was not the reason, and for a fact I’m tiny but not tiny, whatever that means , lol.

I had met someone and damn, ladies what we do for love. ‘My man’ said my tummy wasn’t flat enough and his exact words were… ” your curves ain’t popping out right, you should hit the gym maybe “.. Okay Mr.
And if you’re a guy reading this, please chase your type, you won’t make women break their backs to please you. We dwell so much on pleasing people forgetting that there is someone somewhere who’ll be down for you with your imperfections. Those pretty stretch marks on your thighs, that scar on your left arm that you don’t sit right with and all qualities we all insecure about.

Letting go is not a process that comes naturally to us. In a world that teaches us to cling to what we love at all cost, like breaking your back to make him stay, there is an undeniable art to moving on – and it’s one that we’re constantly relearning.

So QUEEN, LET GO. Pick your crown, raise your head high with confidence because the man of your dreams will not need change you and won’t need the constant question… “What are we!? ” in his ears, because you won’t have to ask.”

Most girls do not understand this power. We are so insecure in ourselves, we feel like we’re not good enough, not beautiful enough, non-deserving of love and attention from men. That is why we constantly set out to outshine others and prove that we are worthy, yet, in the real sense, we are good just the way we are. We don’t need to show that to the world for us to be accepted, we only have one job to do; be ourselves, the right people will come to us and love us the way we deserve. They will accept the version of ourselves that we try to hide from the world, our authentic selves.

Liz Nyang’ara is of the same opinion. She is a phenomenal YouTuber. See her inspiring vlogs here. She writes;

When a girl throws herself at a man, it stems from two things; insecurity or selfish gains. Let’s face it. More often than not, the man with countless number of girls at his beck and call is either of status in community or a man of means or he is just fine as hell. He is often a man of high value depending on one’s standards ofcourse. Women who need to throw themselves at men do not value themselves. Their self worth is extremely low and they think if they date someone rich or known it will somehow redeem them in society’s eyes, when in real sense no one cares.

Also being so accustom to dysfunctionality, this kind of unhealthy relationship doesn’t really out them off. The other lot wants to leech on them and siphon from their wealth or status. Both of these situations are sad and stem from needed validation. Validation from society and from men. I have been shamed by girls I thought are my friends because “I couldn’t keep a guy.” I don’t get mad about it cause I know life is about so much more. People will low-key judge you for not going on fancy dates. That is a them problem. Don’t be insecure of the person you are. You are going to be so much more in your own time. Honey, you are worthy of love you don’t have to snatch wigs for. You are worthy of someone who is genuinely into you. You are worthy of someone who is emotionally available to you. Remember to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself first and love yourself enough to respect yourself.

Why can’t love be easy? Jokes on us haha. It’s because there’s usually just one person in love. Wait, are you in love or in love with the idea of being in love? Confusing huh? In simple terms, you’re obsessed with the idea of having someone consistent that you really like, have great sex and create beautiful memories. So engrossed that you become blind to the ‘buts’ that emerge rapidly to form a red flag. Show a man you’re desperate and watch him trample on you and spit on your face unapologetically.

I asked my friend Lexa what she thinks about girls doing the chase and ignoring the good guys. She has been in a toxic relationship that came about from such a move, talk about teaching us from her lessons. She is also a blogger for that matter: LoveSetFree.

She says,

“Loving and trusting is a beautiful thing. Getting to know someone’s mind is as hard and when you do, term yourself “Lucky!”. I had always dreamt or rather thought about having the most amazing relationship! One of early warm kisses and such; walks on the beach barefoot and drinking orange juice to our fill.

I always thought it would be a straight line once I get to say the three words, “I want you.” With emphasis and the little power in me. I put my heart on the frontline of a successful relationship and dwelt on that thought till I hopped on to one.

We all get sad sometimes and broken. We lose our ways and try as hard to get back on track. So we end up finding happiness where there’s none. We walk past the red flags, seriously blinded by “I want you” We forget that, “I need you” is the core to all relationships. We force ourselves into some type of happiness that comes by as fast. No sweat, no patience, just instant happiness. We tell ourselves that it will work with the Grace.”

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I am a feminist, many of you associate us with toxicity for speaking out the bitter truth that you don’t like to swallow. Ask anyone who knows me to describe me. You will be told Katutu is loud and extra for no apparent reason. Isn’t that what you say about all feminists though? (Story for another day). Men are cunning. A man knows the right buttons to press to keep you in his corner, at his convenience. A man who is only using you. You see, men like to chase. They glorify hunting, in that, when they get the prize, they worship it and treat it like a trophy – because he knows how hard he has worked hard for the hunt. It did not come easy. He also knows he has to keep up the worship or risk losing the prize. That is what happens when a man chases you, sister – he celebrates you and crowns you like the queen that you are. You won’t even have to beg for it, to him, you are invaluable.

Some guys admire courageous women who actually go for what they want, but most of them feel intimidated. A bigger number takes women like these for a ride, because, you’re the one who needs them, not the other way round. Wanajifanya sukari wakijua utawalamba kwani iko nini?
Even if a relationship like this works, chances are, its survival is minimized to zero, unless you’re good being treated like trash. Sadly, most ladies don’t see themselves drowning until they’re deep on the ocean floor; when the relationship has become toxic to the point where you cannot turn it back. When it gets here, ladies, remember, there is a life straw that could save you from drowning – those good guys you don’t give attention to. These are the life savers. As a woman, I will ask you, my fellow ladies, to take a leap of faith. Go where you are celebrated, don’t let infatuation cloud your judgement and dictate your life. Prevention is better than cure.

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Away from the girl talk, (The Mjango has the mic now hehe,) I feel sorry for ladies who have been run over to the ditches on the roadside because they were determined to stand in the way of the vehicle the man of their dreams was driving. I feel for them even more when they rise back up and repeat the same stunt only not to win the attention and the love they so deserve in the end.

To wrap it up with a man’s say, ladies, love yourselves. So many voices out there are championing for ladies to go get what and who they want when they want. I couldn’t agree more. But when some protocols are altered, you dip yourself into hot acid and who knows just how thick your skin is? Some protocals like men don’t like to be rushed to make critical decisions. Among those decisions is in regards to his commitment to a woman. If you chase him to the rabbit hole, you might not notice it, but you’re ‘distracting’ and ‘drugging’ his decision system. He might end up cuffing you because, as it is many times, he is infatuated. Sooner or later it starts to surface within him that he even didn’t love you in the first place. He just liked you. ‘Ulimbamba tu.’ Now he will either be honest with you or keep up the façade but at the expense of your happiness and heart. You might be forced to keep chasing his attention and love even after months and years into the relationship.

As a man, I’d prefer if you just make me notice you and leave it at that. Play cool from there. And well, don’t put up with me if you notice that I don’t genuinely like you. Retreat from my ship for your own long term safety. If I’m a good man, I will tell you that I’m not feeling this. It may hurt you now but only Heaven knows the long term damage I will have saved you from. Or if you still want to know, go ahead and keep on insisting on walking on the edges of my knife. Surely there must be a man out here who will genuinely like you, respect you and treat you right. Don’t settle for less, it will drag you down an ugly path.

I will leave you to ponder on this twitter excerpt that inspired this blog.