THE THIRD PARTY

I’m sorry if I will sound wrong for bringing this up from somewhere I read. I just can’t stop reading and I couldn’t help but write as a result. An article in the Saturday Nation talked about who is likely to cheat in a relationship. It’s cold in here already huh. 
It says that a research was done in a University in Florida about how people in relationships or married for those who reached the promised land before us – reacted to third parties. And by third parties I mean any other member of the society who is not your patner or again, for the ringed; wife or husband. Boy am I loving this already.
The research revealed that people who gaze longingly at third parties are more likely to cheat on their partners. Now, pause and do a self reflection like I probably did. 
After reading it I asked, “Lord are you trying to show me and my fellow men that we have a problem with that our eyes?” I mean we were created already with a character trait of gazing at things. And by things I really mean good things. Need I quote a line in the book of Genesis for you? So it runs in the male genes. Calling our inborn gazing behaviours an act of cheating is conflicting with the maker.
You can never know the intention behind the Elongated look. Mjango if you looked at a female third party for long, it could mean she looks familiar eh? Or she has this pimple on her cheek that you’re not sure whether it is a boil or just a pimple from an allergic reaction to people who like to kiss others on the cheek. Like my aunties in Kamba land. Bless them. Kamba mamas are the most gifted women on earth in vigorous yet ecstatic greetings. If you’re a sweet boy like me, (okay was a sweet boy. I’m now in the men’s club aye. When they announce in church, “Kuna mkutano ya wazee baada ya ibada…” I’ll definitely not be going home early after the ibada.) be sure to get pecks on your cheeks. Don’t mind, your partner won’t know. No lipstick marks will be made. 
So I have heard of a mjango who was dumped in the middle of a date for gazing at a third party. I always say to mjangos that if you have to look then don’t be caught. Many times we are caught by our partners when our eyes are glued to third parties because we couldn’t resist looking again and again after the first sight. The first sight was just meant to be you know. For all we know we get to see some things we may have never wanted to see. But if you dare turn to look again, perhaps at that waist in particular, mjango you’re a sinner! Not so fast though. You’re only a sinner when you get caught. Hehe. So I wonder how the dumping must have gone down. 
“Babe who are you looking at like that?” She asks him. 
See, it’s usually directly asked as ‘who’ and not ‘what’. Just know you’re real trouble when the question is posed like that. 
He begins by stammering. Big mistake! “Aahm… No… Nothing. Just someone who looked familiar.” 
That’s a very tactical way out mjango. But if you stammer first, you’re toast! To be a man you have to be a good pretender. Honesty is key to a rosey relationship yes? But not when you are about to be dumped in the middle of a club or a posh restaurant man. 
Begins to raise her voice, “You can’t lie to me. You were gazing at that mama.”
That’s the level of hate when you hear one chic call another chic a ‘mama.’ 
“Keep it down babe. Let’s talk about this. I can expla… ” He has totally lost his defense chance. Not even an angel can help him in that state.
” There is nothing to explain!” Her throat begins to clog – an implication that tears are pumping real fast to her eyes accompanied with a tornado of rage in her chest.
“This is not the first time I’ve seen you do that.” She says. 
Oh, so mjango we are usually spotted but we don’t realise? We should upgrade our mechanisms if at all we want to keep seeing the good of the land. I bet at this time he was already drawing a plan on how to walk out on her. He figures it would only draw more attention. 
“Do you really love me? Do you!” She asks. That’s the K.O question that finishes him off. 
Attention is now drawn to the both of them. She realises it and takes her chances. 
“You know what! Don’t even answer it. I already know the answer.” She stands up, pulls her hand bag along with her as she walks out while drying her eyes with her finger yet careful still not to trip on her nine inch heels. Everyone around would be sympathetic until that moment the devil decides to steal her show and make her trip on her heels. I’ll be honest, I would laugh until I’m run over by a V8 if I was there. 
Mark you, a lady won’t dump you in public without causing a scene that will show the world around that she is the one who showed herself out. 
That leaves the man trying to get an audience that will listen to his twisted side of the story. 
“You know ladies nowadays. You’re a man, you must know the way these people are. Always carrying issues from you know where… Were you watching us? ”
A mjango who has found himself trapped in his audience is forced to answer, “Aah… Yea I think so.” Huge lie! He was also checking out the dumped guy’s chic who just left. Maybe. Men surely! 
“Ehe. Nice. You saw very well that I was not even gazing at that hot lady over there…”
Someone should ask him how then did he know there was even a hot lady in the premises.
We should not assume that our ladies are the sinless barbie dolls. It’s something next to a police case if they catch us in the act with third parties. Caressing through their hills and forbidden valleys with our eyes and a huge potato grows on our throats as a result. We get caught when the potato has over grown and in the middle of trying to swallow it asap. No wonder we are usually speechless when we get caught. Its the potato that just won’t flow down the gut to give room for a thousand reasons why we were not gazing at what they think we gaze at. By the way have you ever seen someone who is being chocked by a potato? They look like they are taking a very painful and hard shit right? Yea that’s how we look when we get caught.
According to the research, when a mjango gazes at a third party even in a picture – since in the research they used pictures of third parties to see how patners react to them; there is a likelihood that they may be envious or yes, jealous. That’s what I call a potato in the throat.
So because we are men, it’s not in our nature to make big deals out of things. That’s why our ladies have never heard us complaining about how we arrested them gazing at some tall mjango with well trimmed ragged hair that fades into a neatly trimmed beard, brown eyes like Nick Mutuma’s…
Before I go on. Nick Mutuma has really made some of us suffer for not being as hot. Nick I understand it’s not your fault. By now I dont need to tell you how them ladies eyes glitter when they talk about you. No hard feelings mjango. But may I announce it here before all of them that there is a ring on your left hand. Right? Yes, you and the president’s son. You’re taken for good. So can they come back to us running, please! We are waiting. The dry spell has been too much and its not good for our manly nature. 
I don’t really buy the results of that research. Gazing at a third party is no prediction for the likelihood to cheat sooner or later. Its a way to say that gazing is the preliminary stage to cheating. 
Those people who have ever cheated, did it begin with gazing? Whether you got caught or not it doesn’t matter. Who are we to care? We only care about the probable risks that come with gazing. We want to know whether when we gaze at a third party – we’d actually be gazing at the end of our relationships and marriages. Crap happens mjango.