MY LOST CRUSH

The old stereo set up by my nigga at his place plays a die-hard tune in my playlist; Tarrus Riley’s Just the Way You Are. We are lazing around on the sofas wishing we had a better drink than the one in a 3 litre Keringet bottle to spice up the night. It’s was Saturday night for heaven’s sake. 
Talk about spicing up the night, we can’t have it minus something more than just the male company we gave each other. And on that note, I pause The Shooter series that I am watching on my phone and ask, “Weh Alloyce, ulikuwa ututolee form ya Savona sijui na mamanzi wagani wako. Ona vile tumekaa sasa!?“
 “By the way…” Zid turns his head too. He is seated next to me on the double sofa, texting. This guy never let’s go of his phone. He is ever online and that means he never lacks bundles. I have never seen a guy with so many unread whatsapp chats like him. You know how people take pride in unread whatsapp chats nowadays? The last time I checked, he was innocently trying to reply to 64 unread chats. I once asked him, “Chats zako zishaishuka 60?” He said, “Only on a good day spent online.” So for those who call me a slay king, (and I promise not to nag about my alleged slay-kingship ever again) do you see why I don’t match? I get half of his chats in the best slaying season. He has thousands of followers on Instagram. He is the kind of friend who when I meet girls, they ask me, “Sasa Vick?” I answer gladly, “Poa sana.” Only for them to ask, “Zid ako wapi?” Few are the days I hear I was asked about by so and so a beauty somewhere. That’s life eh? I hear he is a party rocker too. I won’t go into details because he has blackmailed me already without saying it. Do you know how? I’ll tell you. He has a video of me twisting and turning the ugali we had for lunch on Friday afternoon. I had to beg him like the way I hear hookers do to customers sometimes – for him not to post the video anywhere. Oh yes, I was the head cook at the time. Ladies did you hear that? It is best that I clarify that I heard no complaints from the partakers of the meal whatsoever. 
 So Alloyce begins to testify to our case about his let down, “Oh mnaongelea kuhusu kina Tabby na Britney?”
“Sisi hatutaki kujua…” I say in protest.
“Bora washikaji.” Zid adds. 
“Sasa nyiny hii ni saa ngapi mnaniambia mnadai kuishia?” Alloyce says. In my mind I think of how irrelevant and ignorant that question is, but I don’t say it. I know the look on his face when he is guilty of something. He is lying on his back on the three seater sofa while scrolling through whatsapp statuses. 
“Why lie ni sawa tu,” I say as I despair back to my series. The guy blew our big chance to have ourselves a night of our lives in this part of Kenya where he has been our host ever since life threw us here (Zid and I.) See Alloyce is a nice guy. He is trustworthy yes, but that doesn’t mean he is ever reliable. Like this day in particular, he lost the virtue of reliance. Since he hasn’t lived in Nairobi for the better part of his life like Zid and I, it is easy to dismiss him like the way I hear some niggas did to Jesus in the good book, “What good can come out of Nazareth?” Nairobians have that disease, seeing ourselves as those who know how to make the best of life. Oh we ain’t seen nothing yet.
Before I could playback my series, “Oh damn! Kuna madem wananiplay hapa manzeh!” Zid stands with both hands at the back of his head. 
“Eh kaka iko nini. Sema baraza ya wanaume ikusaidie. Solution iko tu hapa.” Alloyce says.
Zid says while cursing, “Wananiplay hapa.”
“Ehee mwanaume ni kucheswa!” I say. 
Alloyce laughs, “Eh mjango hauna huruma bana, huyu ni ndugu yetu.”
“Wanakuplay aje?” I ask.
“Tunacheza truth or dare. Sa nimeuliza hawa madem wawili the same question in different chats na wakanijibu the same thing. Damn!”
“Kwani wanajuana?” Alloyce asks.
“Argh! Manzeh! Sindio. Ndo mana wananichezea hivi.”
“Them bishes talking behind your back nigga.” I say as I giggle with a fade.
In me I think of a line in a song that says, ‘Unataka kukimbia na hauna breki, what do you expekti?’ I like to quote it at such scenerios but I keep it to myself lest I say it and I get arrested for inducing suicide upon another mjango.
“Ah usijali kaka.” Alloyce says to console him. If only I had a heart like his.
“Aki wataona!” Zid resigns back to the sofa.
“Ndugu vindu vitendeka. Mimi si nikona yangu pia nilipitia.” 
I sit up to tune in again. I’ve always wanted to hear this mjangos experiences with our female counterparts. I am both concerned as a friend and as a fellow competitor in that arena. Isn’t it nice how there can be no rigging in that arena? It is not so free but it is fair. By not so free I mean, we men incur costs when fighting for prominence in the female world. Call it the game of wallets. I haven’t perfected on that area yet but ladies please, calm down I’m working on it. Ama endeni tu tutapatana mbele. Kwani iko nini, hehe. 
“Kwanza mjango usiandike hii story,” Alloyce says. I thought again, those stories that people tell me not to write about are the ones worth writing about. “Nakutumia screenshots ujisomee…”
The screenshots were his conversation with his all-time crush called Bren. I know you’re thinking mjango, of how much of a privilege that must be for him. Yes, but we all know that that is just the beginning of a long game. 
“Nilimwona siku ya kwanza nikiwa ryma. Hio day nilikuwa naclear. Sijui huyo mrembo alitokea wapi mahn. Niliskia kufa manzeh,” Ladies take note of the fact that some of us are walking deads because of you. “Hio siku nilikuwa nimejiaminia. Why lie nilikuwa nimeamua naenda kumwambia kuna venye amenimaliza…” 
“Na team mafisi sasa watapoteza member,” I say while laughing. Zid chuckles and shakes his head. 
“Sasa hio ndo saa niliitwa na head master niingie kwa ofisi. Nilitamani tu amalize haraka nikimbilie huyo dem. Kutoka tu hivi, manzi alishaenda kitambo. Sijai sahau huyo manzi.”
We shake our heads in sympathy. I don’t know whether we were to genuinely sympathize with him but we do it anyway. So years of teenage-hood fly and his manly figure lands at a chiquitta called Ephy. Like every man says, she was just a friend to him. His friend got his hands on his phone one day and proposed to Ephy on text. To Ephy, it sure did sound like the moment she has been waiting for. Afterwards his buddy comes to him and tells him what he has done. Alloyce jams alright, but his buddy convinces to give it a shot. This is where the issue of one man’s meat and poison comes in. So they went for a date and the man is treated like a king. He didn’t feel anything for her though. Aki hii mapenzi hii! Anyway, he did not want to hurt her for she was a good friend, so he decided to give it a shot with one hand on the wheel and the other flying with the wind outside the window. A time came when a new number called his line, it was Bren, saying that Ephy had just been admitted after an accident that got her fractured. He rushed to hospital with his cousin. Not knowing which ward Ephy was in, he had to call Bren to come for them at the gate. Guess who shows up? The girl his heart died to four years ago in his old primary school. She is the Bren. To make matters shittier, he realises she is Ephy’s sister.
I got to that part while reading the screenshots and I was like, “Oooh shhhhh***!! No ****** waaaay!!” I was now in deep sympathy. 
He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw his four year old crush walk towards him. 
“Niliskia kulia mahn. Imagine mwanaume kulia mbele ya watu.” Alloyce said. I felt like sending Zid over to him to rub and pat his back.
He was already dating his crush’s sister and she was already in enough freaking pain in a hospital bed. He decided he’d leave that to be settled out later.
“Sasa hapa kwa screenshot naona ulikuwa unaambia Bren ulikuwa unamcrushia. Na kwanza umetumia kilami ingine ya P.L.O buda.” I say.
“Alikuwa ameshtuka. Hata hakujua aseme nini.”
“Na naona,” I chuckle, “Amekuuliza swali ingine hapa ukamjibu kama stero wa soap opera.”
He giggles, “Gani hio?”
“Amekuuliza, “Do I have to believe all this?” Alafu ukamjibu, “It is up to you to decide.”
We laugh in the midst of exclamations. 
“Kijana kumbe wewe ni hatari hivo. Hataleeee!!! Hapo ulifunga bao kumi at once.” I say.
So later the chatting beauty asked why he didn’t tell her earlier. She sounded utterly disappointed. She scolded him for not telling her earlier. 
“Kwani ata yeye alikuwa na kakitu kwako? Eeh?” 
“Unauliza!?” He raised his head abruptly as if to suggest I didn’t know what I was asking about.
I guess that explains the theory that tells men to make a move when they have the chance. Now this mjango of ours has lost what would have been the greatest fairy tale any man could never dream of. 
“Singemshow aty namcrushia kama bado nadate siz yake. Hapo ningekuwa nimecheza blind.”
“Lakini sasa hio ndo ilifanya akakuambia hapa kwa chat, “Screw you Alloyce! You could have told me ata kama!”
We laughed at that and later stopped to catch our breath and wipe tears. 
Zid said, “Pole hatufai kuwa tunakuchekelea lakini manzeh joh, me nikaambiwa hivo naeza jinyonga,”
“Na tissue wet!” I add and sink into the cushions laughing.
“Nyinyi chekeni lakini that is a story I wish I could reverse. Eh huyo manzi joh!”
“Ebu kwanza tuone picha yake,” I say. 
Alloyce giggles and slowly takes out his phone. He then turns the screen over to us and before we know it, we are racing towards him to see the reason for our buddy’s sleepless nights and heartaches. All that can be heard is exclamations of, “Aaaki ya nani!” “Daamn!” “Sssh**!” I must confess I couldn’t have enough of the pic.
I even found myself asking, “Ako wapi niende?”
“Aah buda usniambie uliacha huyu manzi akatembea tu?” Zid says.
After a fishy laughter, Alloyce says, “Sisi ni mabeshte tu.”
“Wah! Brathe! Me nimekutii! You have my respect,” I say as I pour the only drink of the night into a glass. “Na by the way, kwani chats zimeishia hapo? Si utume hizo zote zingine?”
Quickly responds and turns to his phone, “Weh! Hizo si za kila mtu sasa!”
I whistle and look at Zid. He looks at me too and clears his throat. In my mind I am thinking, I have to get those chats even if it kills me.
To break off the awkward silence, Zid asks, “Vick umeskia kuhusu Achieno?”
“No. Why?”
“Ata usiulize. Enda umsearch Instagram.”
“Anajiitaje?”
“That Bish Next Door.”
“Sawa nitacheki. Ni mambo moto?”
“Sana! Lakini kwa watu wengine, sio mimi.”
I then take a sip of water. 
I was in for a huge surprise about Achieno by the way.
|Photo Credits: Victoria Wayme|