Is he your man or you just assumed that he is your man? He is the man you have never had. You struggled to hold your drool those days you’d see him but couldn’t do anything to draw his attention to you. The only one you have ever mentioned your secret admiration of him to is your guardian angel.
He has never, as little as winked at you. Or if you think winking at a lady is inappropriate; not any different from spanking her with the eyes, then let’s just talk about him looking at you accidentally. If he did see you, it was nothing less than an accident. Imagine, you’re an accident to someone else my dear mjango.
One night, you were just about to switch of your data. Tired of the same old niggas singing in broken voices in your inbox. Then a text from a new number pops in like a bubble. But this bubble wasn’t bursting. Long story short, it was him. How he got your number, you didn’t care to know. You didn’t care whether he went through Jumanji to get to your inbox.
Or one time, by chance, you gave him your number. It’s a common thing amongst ladies nowadays. They say it’s not a big deal. You two started talking. Conversation caught fire like a dry bush in Gods Must Be Crazy. You started to feel like he is on to you. Like he pulled your file and just won’t let go of your case. You start to imagine the two of you together. The guy you never had. You start to imagine how your girls (or ghels) will sing hail Mary but this time it will be your name and not Mary’s. And of course, unlike Mary, most likely you’re not a virgin. If you are, then probably not for long.
You fall for him. Upto there, you’re the Cinderella of our times. But! And this a very big but! (Hehe.) He has never made things official with you. He probably has never confessed his love for you outrightly. All you did, is what is one of sweetest but yet the stupidest things to do in this present day and age; we call it ‘going with the flow.’ But still he has never proposed.
My sister if that is you, then you’re the one I am talking about today. Welcome to the grill!
The reason why you think he hasn’t proposed yet is because you’re probably the only one waiting for him to do so.
Clearly, you have been living in oblivion. Hear it from a man. If he has never officially asked you to go down the relationship lane with him or better, down the aisle with him – you do yourself harm to assume that you are a couple. Men only take charge of what they acknowledge. If he has never said it, then it probably doesn’t exist. You, my sister, probably are nowhere to be found in his official records.
You are smart if you have come to a place you have realised that the vibe between you two is off the charts. The connection you have can probably even be read openly like a WiFi signal. The two of you together smell like a greenhouse of flowers. He seems to care about you more than the football team he supports. But the only thing remaining is the fact that it has been ages ever since your poles attracted and yet he seems unbothered to ask about the elephant in the room. He is not saying the magic words.
You probably told him that you love him before he did. He only said he did so too in response to yours just not to leave you hanging and later hear you’re hanging by a sisal rope around your neck with legs free off the ground. You thought he meant it from his heart just as you do but I am sorry to say, that is not the way the litmus test for a man’s affection for a lady is undertaken.
Peshy, a good friend of mine sent me her reflex on the previous blog I wrote. Among them was in relation to what I said,
“If you did not work for something, it’s easy to take it for granted.”
So she said, and I quote,
“Ata kwa relationship…?. Dem akikatia boy huwa (the boy) anachukulia relationship for Granted….This is for your sisters to know?…But huwa Ni the man aweke effort?..look at me,,, counseling men?, without being a man?”
She is so damn right. Though I also think she is advising her fellow sisters too because they need to watch over themselves more. Otherwise y’all will start going out in the streets barking that all men are dogs yet you brewed your own sh*t storm.
Ever seen how violent a man can get when you try to deprive him off something he worked for? Violent may even be too extreme a word. The degree of value he’d attach to something or someone he worked for is not the same as he’d attach to something or someone he didn’t break a nut for. The latter is more of a ‘spend it not to have wasted it’ affair to him.
Consider Jacob in the good book. He worked for Laban for seven years to get Rachel. But instead he was given Leah who was not appealing in looks but fertile in her grounds like the slopes of Mt. Kenya. That mjango went for another seven years just for the one he intended to have in the first place. How much value do you think he beheld Rachel with? In fact, from which woman did he get his favourite son or even sons from?
In the first place, come to think of it, Adam’s curse was that he’d sweat if he was to reap anything from the earth. So the nature of men is to sweat for what he wants.
I call her Dimples for obvious reasons you will note when she smiles. She was seated, slouched opposite me. Dimples nowhere to be seen because something was troubling her heart and the evidence was flooding on her face.
Heart because ladies are more emotional than men. Men are more technical, for lack of a better term. Things go through their minds first before it gets to their hearts. Mark you, when it does get to their hearts, boy oh boy or should I say girl oh girl, just know you have swept mama’s boy off his feet and he’s flat on the ground.
So to say,
Ladies feel more and men think more.
We were seated on some old benches under a tree. She was not looking directly into my eyes. I figured if she did, she’d break into tears and I wouldn’t know what to do if that happened. I don’t carry around wet wipes for all I know. Although back in highschool we used to say, “Mwanaume ni kubeba tissue,” because you never know when disaster will strike. The kind of disaster we prepare for is nothing close to a girl next to us breaking into tears.
“Why hasn’t he proposed yet?” She asked and went silent as if I should know the answer to that.
She comes to me whenever she needs a male perspective of things happening in her social life. It has never been this hard to answer. But maybe a PhD in male perspectives is written all over my face especially because of my geek glasses.
Her hands were folded and her legs crossed. Her angelic dark brown kneecaps stuck out of her flowery skater skirt pouring like melted chocolate into a peachy pair of legs.
“You guys have a thing going?” I asked.
She shrugged and said, “I think. I am starting to fear that probably I am the one who thinks we have a thing going.”
“Tell me where it all started.”
She sighed, “We had been meeting quite frequently here in campus but none of us ever said hello. One time when I was printing my assignment at that place near the bookshop I felt someone tapping my shoulder. I looked back and it was him.
(Let’s call him Kim. Or Kimongi. But Kim will do.)
He said hi and I responded. I was so shocked, if he’d ask me anything else I’d just freeze and probably he’d think I’m ignoring him. The next time we met, he said hi again and he noticed my dimples.”
I nodded like saying, of course he did.
“We became friends but we never exchanged numbers. He found me on IG and liked all my pics and slid into my DM. We started talking a lot. We had a lot in common. Then at some point I was like, here is my number, app me.”
That bench was not built for a butt like mine or my butt was not moulded for a bench like that. So I stood up.
“Ever since then it has been heaven on earth. Nobody has ever been so concerned with my life; paying attention to the most minute of things in my life lately like Kim does. He’s really sweet and knows how to treat me. We’ve met a couple of times, hanged out and it was fun. Gosh!”
I was slowly strolling around and stopped when I realised she had gone silent all of a sudden. I looked up. She seemed to be gazing at something. She looked at me and I said, “I know it when you’re not saying something. Get to the best part, I’m waiting.”
Sigh, “I was at his place like a week and a half ago. We made out. We watched a movie, stopped it half way and started singing together. Then we made out. Like a lot. It was so passionate. You say fire upon fire?”
She had balancing tears by then. The flashbacks were from her sweet little book of cherished moments.
“That one ain’t fire upon fire yet. That’s just tongue upon tongue. So maybe, yea tongues of fire.” I joked. “So no sex? That’s the elephant on the bench right now you know.”
“You know what drives me crazier is that he doesn’t seem like other guys. He had the chance to make a move on me and at the heat of that moment, I bet I would have given in. But imagine he didn’t. I was thinking about it later that night and I was impressed. I told my best friend about it and she said, “Girl, you got yourself a real man there.”
So maybe a real man is the one who doesn’t make a lascivious move on a lady if and when he hasn’t officially made her his own.
I wrote that in my sticky notes in my phone.
“So all the signs read that this is the ideal guy. He passed the test of fire by not laying a finger on me. He cares so much about me. Our worlds seem to revolve around each other,” she paused.
“But he just hasn’t proposed yet to make things official.” I said.
She nodded and covered her mouth with her palm.
“And you feel like the egg has been in the incubator for long enough, it should have hatched by now.”
“Should I be worried?”
“You have a right to be Dimples.”
“Just what is he waiting for? What do you men wait for surely Mjango!” She raised her voice.
I tried to picture myself in that guy’s shoes and asked myself, “Assume I have a good girl in my nest. She is everything I ever dreamt of. Our vibe touches the sky. But just why am I not making the final move on the chess board? For all I know, it is a direct checkmate. Just why am I not proposing?
Don’t I love her? Is there something about her that just turns me off? Did she do anything that shot down my approval of her? Is there something she is not doing? Do I feel like she is not being honest with me about something crucial?
Did I hear something ill about her that I need to confirm first? Or is she just playing with my mind? Does my intuition tell me that she may want me not because of who I am but what I have? Probably money? Or the size of my machine gun? Or just for her pride. Is she not my type? Or in my league?
Am I afraid of what my friends will say? Oh! It may be that I am afraid I am out of her league. Right? My mind keeps telling me my broke as* can’t keep her. Maybe I just think she is too good or too beautiful for a guy like me. Or maybe there is something about me I am afraid if she gets to know and she will get to know eventually if we start dating or get married – that will kill her affection for me?”
Just what could be the reason(s) for a man not to propose when all the lights are green?
Next time mjango, we will explore about six reasons I think would and do make a man hesitant to tie the knot and ring the bell of love to the world about the two of you. Aye!?