The rasberry stuck helplessly in between the points of the fork she was holding. She looked at it very passionately as if she was planning to do more than just eat it. Maybe that’s the same way she looked into Chris’ eyes as they both lay chest to chest inside snow white sheets. His eyes must resemble raspberries. No wonder she shook and convulsed when she saw it at the peak of the cake. 
Beneath the sheets hovered condensed air of romance that was as hot as steam a while ago. The air circled around their bareness but went no further than her lingerie and his pair of boxers. The battle of romance within the four corners of the king sized bed had gone from the neck kisses to cleavage kisses and later heated up the arena by the taking off of, first, his T-shirt then her top then her trousers then his trousers. The final round where horns would be locked and moans would be the background music was however brought to an indefinite halt before it began. 
It was when his hands reached for the weapon that would bring the final knockout that dignity kicked down the door of the party like cops raiding Project X. Dignity declared, “We can’t do this. Not yet.” Everything came to a standstill. The weapon that was now dying to bring forth a win had to be laid down and returned back to it’s cage. 
Sanity walked in as well almost immediately and said, “Yeah. Hatujafika hicho kiwango.” 
Both parties resolved to short live the romantic battle but with a promise to live to fight again some day. And this time, it will be to a climatic end. There is no shame in retreating only to come back stronger, so they say. 
She had her head resting on the valley between his chest and shoulder. She must have been trying to hear whether his heart beats in Swahili as well. Or he breathes in Ngeli and breathes out mnyambuliko wa vitenzi. Forgive me mjango, if you love the Swahili language and you find it offensive to see me rub its face against the walls of my blog. But don’t feel bad, I wish I could speak Swahili just as fluently. I adore Swahili. And the walls of my blog are not rough. Infact they are fluffy and bouncy. Even the floors. You can have Swahili and every other language you have been dying to see them play together come play here. You know, word play? Even foreplay if you like. But well, the foreplay of languages may just turn into WordPorn. I can give room for that know? Mjangos love wordporn I know. They’re ever posting them on their WhatsApp statuses. 
Anyway, I digress. As she listens to his heartbeat, he listens to his own heart beating. He interpretes the signals from his heart into words and speaks them to her ear in whispers. 
Ningependa ujue kitu kimoja. Nazungumza kutoka moyo wangu ambao kwa muda sasa umeamua hautajidanganya tena. Ningependa kukujua vyema. And I’d like you to know me too. Natamani sana kuona ile dhahabu iliyotulia katika sakafu wa mto wa moyo wako.” 
Ladies how nice does that sound? Romantic words in Swahili. Better than romance in sheng for heaven’s sake! 
She responded with a smile. She told him that she loved the way he had a way with words.  That must explain the creativity behind the lyrics of his hit songs. Songs that she had grown to love and was fast becoming his number one fan. 
A fan, yes, but not more than that. The disbelief that haunted her nerves from time to time chanted that all this could just be a fantasy under the sun. She wasn’t sure of his intentions. Yes here he was, lying right below her. For a moment she couldn’t believe that she had some power over a big name in East Africa. Power that didn’t go beyond the edges of the bed but it was still power. The power to turn him on and have it go to the book of rumours that she went hard with a star. Still power. Power to turn him off just like she had done that she may increase her chances of seeing what he is all about. And what do we know, he subdued to that power. Like an Ethiopian Eunuch would before the Queen Sheba of Ethiopia. What she didn’t know was that she wasn’t too far from being a Queen as well. 
“Ladies would wear high heels on their hands as well if they had to – just to get the attention of a man like Chris and yet there you were, saying, ‘Let’s take it slow,’ while in the middle of your way to cloud nine!” I said while having the last piece of my vanilla cake pointed at her using my fork. That would’ve been a good reason to fork her, right? (Hehe.) 
“In this world there are two kinds of people who get disappointed the most. One, foolish people and two, impatient people. And anyway in the end, if your impatience causes you to be disappointed, well, you’re foolish too.” Lynne said and wiped her mouth using a serviette. 
“So its your way of playing the long game?” 
“You can say that. But I was almost ruining it by the way.” She said with her elbows resting on the floor of the table. 
“Ruin? How?” 
Chris and I spent like two hours in bed just talking. He said it was getting late so he had to have me get back home of which he did and he set off for his businesses in Zanzibar. I think he got busy when he got there. But I couldn’t help but feel like he was giving me a cold shoulder because I stopped us from making love. I mean, you know men and their egos. 
Sasha obviously did ask how my meet up with Chris went at the hotel and this is what she said immediately after, “You know all of a sudden hearing that has made me realise that my bra feels too tight.” Sasha is just something else you know. 
She came back a while later, this time without a bra on and said, “Well, maybe then we should get you a perfect match.”
“Now you want me to go to Ebru TV just to show the whole world how…”
“Eiish relaaax girl. Nobody even wants to see your face on TV anyway.” Sasha said.
“So you’re saying I’m ugly?” 
“When you have just woken up? Hell yes!”
We laugh. That hurt a bit though. Because she knows she is the most beautiful in the family. Sasha was a model before joining the cooperate world. She still looks like one since she still does things I’d die trying to do – just to keep her body shape sexy. The reason why some men who come across her may not see Heaven when the trumpets blow in the sky someday. Her beautiful face that even I sometimes wonder whether we are of the same father – makes her blow her own trumpet. She narrates stories about how men spill peanuts and even some ladies can’t help but go bananas and cucumbers over her. But anyway, I boast with my curves and booty. I’m here for the men who like their cakes big but just big enough! But may it be noted that, just like Chris, it’ll take time before the cake is ready to be served that it may be eaten. Like they say, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not that fast mjango! 
“Try out Tinder,” Sasha said. 
“I’ve heard of Tinder. Wait, are you asking me to try it out because you’ve tried it yourself or you read my diary that it’s in my bucket list to try a dating app someday?”
She chortled and said, “Damn now that you’ve mentioned it was in your bucket list, you have to go for it. Means I’m asking you to try something you’ve already thought about.” 
She had a point. It wasn’t a new idea. In my life, I wasn’t going to see my last days before trying out what a dating site can be for me, among other new things only my wild thoughts plan to try. I know I’m not the only one who has a weird wish list if at all you call that weird. Some of y’all have weird ones than mine. Ask Chebet Pinky. Or should I say more?
I didn’t take the idea up immediately. I even forgot about it until one Friday afternoon in school. Class was so damn boring and I needed something to help me not to sleep other than having my earphones on. I can get in trouble for that. Fortunately, I was seated next to Mash, the nerd in our class. He is a cool nerd by the way. I can get locked with him in the same room and he’d do nothing more than tell me funny stories. He wouldn’t make a move on me. I once asked him whether he is straight and he said, “There is only one way to find out.” I responded, “Really? How?” “It’s actually more interesting if you found out for yourself.” 
So I found out in two ways. The first one shocked me and the second one well, is the reason why he is relevant to my story. So here comes gossip mjango. Apparently nobody has ever known his love or sex life. Maybe because he doesn’t talk about it. He wasn’t going to talk about it but someone else would. That was none other than the hottest girl in class, Virginia. I’m a girl yes and I’m straight, but I give credit where its due and trust me when I say Virginia is hot. How he swept her off her feet only his charms knoweth. Perhaps the charms that lie underneath his skinny jeans for he weareth no other types of trousers. And she didn’t just talk about him because she wanted to, she talked about him because she had to tell them girls the direction to look at when winter falls on their femininity. And the slogan went, “Blessed is the girl that finds favour in the eyes of Mash.” No wonder it has not been easy to get a seat in class next to Mash. A silent killer and a nerd.
On to the second reason, I asked him if I could peruse through his phone to see what kind of stuff I could Xend to mine with of course, the Xender app. (See what I did there.) There were folders I couldn’t open because he had encrypted them. He is a nerd, what do you expect. I asked him to decrypt and he said, “You don’t want us to be thrown out of class, do you?” I replied, “It will be okay to be thrown out for all the horny reasons.” We giggled. “You’re a nasty one I see,” he said. “Says the man with the ‘gun’ every girl in campus is dying to get shot with,” I said. “Oh cut it out already. People who play with guns get hurt. You don’t want to be hurt, Lynne.” “With that kind of gun? Trust me, no woman wouldn’t want to play with that. Just tell me why they like it Mash. Is it a pistol, AK47, M16?” I asked. He paused. “Why you making me talk about this Lynne?” I punched him on the arm and said, “Come on! Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy these convos about your weapon of mass distraction.” He laughed, “Gosh you’re so silly. Okay fine I’d say they call it machine gun but I see it as a shot gun. In video games, one bullet from a shot gun, you are down and never to recover from that. Blows you completely,” He said. “Just like you blew…” I began and he interjected, “Ah! Please stop!”
I was almost done with his phone until I came across something. 
“Mash you’re on Tinder?” I asked.  
“I’m surprised you aren’t,” He said. 
“Why do you want me on Tinder? So that’s your little secret huh?” 
“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do Lynne.” 
“You’ve met anyone so far?”
“Yeah. Three ladies. Since I know you’re gonna ask silly things, just know the rest is history!” He said.
I Xent the app to my phone and guess what, that night my status read loudly: available and ready to mingle. I still knew the rules of relations. A lady ought to pace down and await the most courageous of them all. 
“So now you’re from the sheets with a celeb to an empty chatroom on a dating app.” I said. 
“You call it empty? Or do you have something against people who join dating sites, Mjango?” Her eyes narrowed as she waited for my answer. 
“No no. I let people be. I have nothing against that. I’m saying that because well, it seems things with Chris were having quite a puncture.” 
“Kind of. But you see when you resolve to other options in life, the one that didn’t seem to work out starts to get jealous. I’m saying that because have you ever been in a situation like this. You have a lovely vibe with someone and it’s budding into something sweet. Then shit happens. 
They start behaving like teachers on strike and you resolve to try roll with someone else. When the vibe gets good on this other end, in fact too good that you thank Karma that the first one started behaving like a b*tch, just then, they come back again. Bowing before you calling you Oga, being all nice like saying ‘Igwee’ when you pass next to them, and caressing you in all the right places with their words and expressions about how much they miss you and they’re still into you. The care, concern and crap. And you’re like, after I nearly bag someone better than you, you come back like a wrecking ball. 
You see to some extent I understand it when I hear that a guy is playing two chics. I don’t vouch for it, but at times look closely and you’ll realise that one of the chics likes to make him sit on her middle finger.” 
“Damn girl! That’s so deep. Almost sounded like Cardi B there,” I said but she didn’t laugh.
“Even when you talk about why guys play two chics, add the other reason to that being, men are naturally polygamous. I’m just saying.”
“Aki Mjango,” She said. 
“You’re trying not to laugh,” I chuckle, “Anyway. Wait, so are you saying you found some guy on Tinder that became your second resolution after Chris’…”
“Well, to some extent. Not only did the most courageous one knock on my inbox but also the fairest, not of them all but still fair enough. And it was another huge surprise. Mjango a dating site can bring you to anyone’s doorstep.”
“I hope you’re not trying to tempt me.” 
“I hope so too,” Giggles, “I’m saying that because I’ve realised that on dating sites, people shed off their ego and societal statuses. All they want is to find someone who will make the rest of their days bearable and memorable. You’ll be surprised to find out how many celebrities are the top players on dating sites. People be looking for real people there, not just sex as most people think.” 
“So who did you find there? Or who found you there? Chris?”
She rolls her eyes, “Hell no!”
“Sean Kenyatta?” I just had to ask. 
She giggles, “I wish!”
“My impersonator?” 
“Silly! No! Are you gonna keep guessing or should I just tell…”
“Another celebrity?” I guessed again. 
She went silent. 
Stay tuned for the next episode of Malkia wa Msanii! 


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4 years ago

[…] (Read the previous episode here.) […]