GOODLUCK FRED

Fred is a 24 year old Mjango. If you ask me, I’d say he is quite tall, quite dark and as for handsomeness? That’s not for me to say. I will leave that to the ladies or the lady he has been looking for on an online dating site since the famous handshake took place. By the way I’m for real. He says on that same day is when he joined a Kenyan online dating site. He thought that if Kenya got lucky to have just a simple handshake sort out majority of its problems at the time, then perhaps one small detail could find him the love of his life. Something in his life he has not been so successful with. Like some of you here who pretend to be happy being single. Nobody likes being single. Admit it, you’re single because life has flailed you! His twenty-fourth birthday was around that time and you bet his greatest resolution or rather, wish was to get himself a date. His first date.
He is the type of guy that would normally be called geeks. Ever seen a good looking geek? I asked some of my girlfriends if Fred is good looking. (Through a picture. Not a hook up. I don’t hook people up. Otherwise this blog would be a meet and greet platform. And especially people of my age have a problem. When they meet to greet, they do more than just greeting. Very naughty.) They said he looks good. Well I don’t know whether that should mean the same as good looking, but at least I know my friends are genuine. It’s better than having them say he’s ugly. Honestly if they would have said he’s ugly, I would hire someone to tell him what his problem is. I am a very straightforward guy and telling him he’s ugly to his face would kill him. So be sure my genuine friends can be that genuine. That leaves us with one problem I know Fred has; self-confidence.
You might be wondering how on earth a 24 year old would suffer from lack of self-confidence. Let’s just say it can happen. Especially when it comes to ladies. I had a sit down with him as he opened up about all this and I asked him, “How is it that you’re confident here when it comes to talking about your lack of self-confidence when it comes to the female species? I hope it’s not part of your plan to get a perfect match through the blog you’re willing to have me write about you Mjango. Ama?” He said, “Wouldn’t you be happy for me at least to have secured a first date even if it’s from one of your audiences?” I kept quiet for a while. Well, he had a point. So the guy is indeed smart. Too bad intellectual smartness cannot be a substitute for self-confidence. Besides, I am not married to my audience. So I am under no oath and obligation to keep off any lady reading this who is single and ready to mingle from hooking up with our dear mjango, Fred. May the Almighty even help you have a crush on him before you get to see him. Trust me, I am doing my best to sell his name well here. Even if that means writing the truth about his plight with the ladies. The truth shall set you free Fred. So young lady if it’s you reading this, please don’t forget the middle man, this blog. Just like the way mjangos forget about dating sites after a successful hook up.
So yea, back to the dating site thingy. I asked Fred, “So you mean a dating site was the best resolution for you?”
He said, “Well, yea. Man do you know how it feels to realise you’re growing older and you’re unable to simply ask a girl out?”
“I guess by older you mean you have been through university, let me say successfully and graduated without ever having hooked up with a girl in the name of a date.”
“Yes. But why did you have to add ‘successfully’” he asked.
“I was being sarcastic. What success is there in going through university with first class honours in your degree but no honours in your social skills?” I felt I was a little bit rude there. Fred sorry I put it that way. But on the brighter side, your potential hook up reading this now feels sorry for you. That’s a bonus.
Suddenly something crossed my mind. “Fred!”
“What?”
“Does that also mean you’ve never got laid?” You bet I lowered my voice when asking that.
“Not even close.” He said.
The interview started to feel like a burial service. It got me thinking that if you think you are going through hell in life, stop and think about Fred who has a self-contained bedsitter crib with a four by six bed which he has never had an opportunity to use the famous pickup line, “Sina kiti. Utakalia kitanda?” on any lady so to say. Think about Fred who the only six inch deep he has ever gone is when he dips his hand in a bucket while bathing if the soap falls into the water. Just stop and think and in fact pity Fred who has been through campus and the softest thing he has ever pressed is dough when making chapatti when his mum and younger brother are coming around to visit. I bet he doesn’t know that even dough is not that soft compared to, you know, eehm, whatever is supposed to be regarded as soft. Even his mum asked him not once, “Fred bado hujawahi nionyesha msichana wako?” To escape safely he’d say, “Bado naomba mum.” I imagined her replying, “Kwani hii maombi yako haiishi?” But maybe her mum is not as savage as some of ours when it comes to stoppers!
Anyway, that’s not the end of life, is it? I asked him if the dating site has borne any fruits for him. He said not as he thought it would. The only fruits he has acquired from the dating site is realising that he is not alone. He is not the only one who is not good with ladies so they think they will be more confident on a virtual interface. It has also shown him that if you happen to be unsuccessful in securing a hook up on a dating site, it is so easy to start believing that you’re no good at all in this things. A dating site is like betting. You may or may not win. If you think you have won, it soon takes back from you again. Just like people who bet are seen to be desperate for quick money, people in dating sites are desperate for love. Nobody goes to a dating site looking for just a friend. In fact others go there to look for sex. See that level of desperation? You’d be amazed at the enormous numbers of people in dating sites. And not in bad way, but most people in dating sites are cowards in real life. Just like he openly admitted that he is a coward but I was kind enough to discourage him from talking like he has given up.
There are so many people out here like and probably even worse than Fred. I have seen boys who literally freeze when they come close to a girl mostly those they seem to like. If they had tails, they’d stick them in between their legs for the entire time. In the end, they lose their chances with all of them girls. No rapport has been built. While others? I think this is worse. Others start to experience convulsions with their mouths whenever they talk to ladies. The things they end up saying are totally insensible and not fit for female consumption. Now those are nerds.
I don’t disagree that people have found the love of their lives through dating sites. I know again mjangos would argue that it is no different from sliding into a lady’s DM on social media and it also turns out to be a beautiful thing. This is basically because social media is also a virtual interface. But both these methods of getting hooked up don’t beat the old fashioned way; a one on one physical approach. This digital world also has us digitizing hook ups. I wonder what else they will digitize. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Relationship experts know what they are saying when they advise us to make hook ups a physical reality as soon as possible even if it started off virtually. The reason is simple, virtual can never be as real as reality itself. They only do well to feed our fantasies and some mjangos end up falling in love with those fantasies. When the real thing comes, which entails meeting him/her in person, blood drains off of your face. It is not restricted to the disappointment of physical appearance by the way. I’m talking about a personality shock! The personality you fell for in the virtual platform is not the same in reality. A live example: ever come across people who are hyper and talkative in chats but introverts in reality? Other people would even put up false profiles to attract whoever they want.
The greatest misconception of all time about dating sites and perhaps even blind dates is the ‘perfect match’ mentality. This is the notion that your potential love has to be someone whom you share a lot in common. I mean, why limit something like love? Love that is supposed to roll out wild and free since anything can spark love between two people. Those platforms make mjangos be so strict with the qualities of partners they’d want. What we want is not what we always get. Perhaps some people are not getting hook ups because of they keep turning down their potential hook ups for minor reasons such as complexion, eyes, you name them. You know those minor things.
A friend who only allowed me to identify her here as Kat has an issue with men’s height. I’ve noticed this issue is common among ladies. Men who are shorter than them are a straightforward no. That, we will understand. She went on to say that one time a short dude friend she once had proposed to date her. When she said no, he pulled out a card he thought no girl would ever refuse. In fact they were two cards. He said he has a humongous manhood and he has money too. Kat said she could attest to the money part. But the manhood one? She said though it is an aspect that ladies love to consider, she didn’t stay around long enough to confirm those allegations. Although she does believe that the shorter the monkey, the longer the tail. Even if they are both true, they don’t make up for his short height. Period!
In simple terms, don’t miss out on your perfect one while being too strict. Neither should you put all your eggs in the basket of a dating site. As for guys like Fred, be original and dare yourself to first establish a rapport with her then ask her out.
I shared all that with Fred, and you bet we parted ways while I had a story to tell and he had inspiration flowing through his gut. Of course we talked about way too many things for me to document here. I shared some tips on how he can get his confidence up with the ladies too but not to mean that I am a guru. I’m sure he is going to do just fine. Don’t ask me whether I also shared some tips about how best he can make use of his bedsitter apart from having his mum and bro over for dinner.