This is a Valentine special.
Juliet wakes up one morning. It’s on a weekend. She has this weird lazy feeling. She just didn’t want to leave bed. The only thing that later forced her to get up was….. Waaait for it… Or take a guess. You’re wrong. She is a bachelor. Hold on. What do you call a single lady in English? My editor says its bachelorette. Is she right? In that case she has no GOOD reason to lie in bed on a weekend.
For mdadas who graduated from bachelor-hood; ceremoniously or unceremoniously, you can testify to mjangoz like her on WHAT and WHO keeps you ‘busy’ in bed on such a morning. Unatoaje uzembe na baridi ya asubuhi? Fast forward… So that later you’d leave the bed feeling energized, enthusiastic, ready to face the challenges of the day head on. You match to the bathroom with a happy dance. She even doesn’t care whether she left her man still breathing in between the sheets. Nevertheless, she had really pinned him down na akampa adabu kweli kweli. Just wave your hand if you understand what I’m saying. I want to see the fast learners, slow learners and first learners in my class. Unaona? Nilijua tu mabackbencher ndo wanapenda story kama hizi. Machoppy don’t worry. This is about to get serious. There she is in the shower, melodious than ever. All one can here from outside the bathroom is:

“Ilibidi niokoke ndio niwashe jiko, siko kwa carnality juu niko ridho

Ulimi bado rive risasi zipo, mistari bado kali na mezani zipo

Silabi simple kama aeiou, rudia mara twice aeiou

Kati chini na za improtu subiri usichizi

Kabeat kakidrop tu Bazokizo

Check in ukitap tu Bazokizo

So follow if you want to Bazokizo

No body can stop you Bazokizo…. Bazokizo, bazokizo, bazokizo”

Now don’t ask me how she was dancing to that in there. I even don’t know whether she was shaking what her mama gave her or not. Mtasema nilikuwa namchungulia. So please!
She leaves the bathroom wrapped in a towel, cat walking like a Kardashian in their sissy reality TV show. Okay you got me there. I’m a guy watching The Kardashians? But it was only once. No am not swearing but it was once! Once I say! Suddenly, something starts to caress her. She slowly shuts her eyes, a smile begins to curve, slightly raises her head while her legs become feeble. She tries to resist, but the seduction is too much for her to bear. She finally breathes in heavily and lets it out like “Aaaah”. “Oooh yeeees.” The sweet aroma of apple pancakes just got every part of her. (See what I did there). Quickly, she drops her towel, puts on some lingerie and a robe and dashes out tracking the source of the seductive aroma.
Before she sets foot to the kitchen, the dining table makes her go bananas and tempt her to undress…………………. Her table manners. The breeze from the adjacent window is what floated the sweet aroma all over the mansion. You heard? I said mansion. The window lets in friendly rays of sunlight honorably to taste the bae of the tummy for her. She unconsciously glides to her place on the table. The sight of bacon makes her salivate and her face glimmer. (By the way, that’s the look on their faces when you pull out your wallet nowadays mjango. In it, may be dozens of triple zero notes or a shiny credit card. Its valentines, I have to warn you.)
She gives in to the temptation to slide her finger on the icing on a piece of cake to lick it. Before she succeeds, something interjects the motion of her hand. A soft touch on her palm. She raises her eyes. It’s the man she would forgo all kinds of delicacies and sponsors for. He pecks the back of her hand as he takes a seat.
He is well bodied, talk of square shoulders, American height with a true African complexion. You can call him the African version of Vin Diesel. Mdada, I feel you, just take a sip of water and catch your breathe. He has to have a sleek auto-mobile. He usually drives her to work and picks her up as well. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t work dummy. He could be a director or something. Her colleagues envy her when they see him patiently waiting in his machine for his queen to leave the office. Always on time. Sometimes he would surprise her. Even though she says she hates surprises. She would realize only too late that they were off the way home, only to see themselves drive through a fancy hotel, Villarosa? Name it. As if that’s not enough, she notices he had a special table reserved for them.img-20170212-wa0002
They dine together and drink their manners away. They constantly explore each other’s eyes and giggle. Later, a designated chauffer drives them home. Responsible man indeed huh. Oh! I’ve not mentioned how he makes her laugh the air out of her lungs. In between their sacred place in the sheets, she whispers her secrets to him lest they escape through the window or even the keyhole. She tells him everything; even about the mjangoz who offer her fortunes to only have her for a night. Prominent ones. They are all useless because of this one man. She couldn’t ask for more. He does not only listen to all she has to say. His words are the motivation that keeps her going. He lets her wet his chest with tears whenever she has to cry out some pain he cannot be a god to heal. Sometimes she didn’t cry because she had a problem. She just couldn’t find a better way to express how she is grateful for all the undue love she gets from him.
Normally mjangoz out there, even some reading this, will think. “Acha! I’ll do all that for her kama ni ivo. Lakini! Whenever I want it, I should get it! Hakuna kunego!” Myyy friend wacha nikuambie. I beg to stand with mamdada wetu on this one. Every time is not playing time mjango. Si utakonda. Yes she is yours lakini be modest manzeh. I can hear some mjangoz at the back murmuring. I bet if you treat her with understanding, you will have yourself a queen in the house. Ladies may I get my applause, like the one Steve Harvey gets in his femdom show.
“Hun you… You made all this for me?”
“Yes dear. Who else. I’ve never made you breakfast, so I thought today I should surprise you.”
Still in disbelief, “Aki ghaai… Haki mwedw`a w`akwa nioranina.. Nigwedete mono. ona dioe kirea digeuga.“
Okay I’m kidding about the vernacular speech. It’s just that people blurt out their mother tongue when surprised or shocked.
Well that’s a girl’s dream. You may give her aaaaaaaalll what Hawaii, Paris and Dubai could offer. But one thing remains the best gift for valentines and in fact her entire life….. She dreams about him like on that weekend where after she wakes up, she is devastated, beat and raging with the realization that’s it’s still in her dreams. This makes her life miserable. When she snaps back to reality, all she sees is mafisis and senseless mjangoz. Just when will Romeo, the only guy who compliments her own name; Juliet… knock on her door step?
So mjango, you don’t want to see her resurrect Shakespeare so he’d give her a Romeo. Be that Romeo mjango. But I’m not saying uende umwambie ati “Bae this year I’m your valentine gift.” Weeh. Madam pelekwa KFC na Steers ikiwezekana ata Madagascar. Itisha haki yako! Okay wanaume I’ll stop there before my head is auctioned.
(Notice that when my female character left bed, the first place she consulted was where? Omera! Mwanamke ni bafu. Aye!) Sorry. That was just a by the way.
So it’s a valentine special, tribute to those who have that Romeo or Juliet in their lives, and those who are still craving, praying and fasting for them to come, na pia wale wakona wa kushikilia tu just for the sake. If you get what I mean….
Feature pictures are courtesy of @the female pope and @genius tom respectively.
Ps: My Juliet if you are reading this, io part ya KFC sijui Steers and oh my God, did I say Madagascar? Aki nisamehee, I was joking. Ata wewe unajua love is blind, haifai kuona mbaali ivo.


What do you think?

100 Points
Upvote Downvote

Written by The Mjango

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
6 years ago

What do i have to say….manze mjango umeweza…
I have a reason to smile hii monday n the rest of the week hata kesho pia…
Lakini bahati yangu mbya Juliet wangu ako shule….
All the same ???

6 years ago

Hahahah…hio PS..??
Good article tho

6 years ago

????????????????this has got me mixed reactions
I LOOOVEE it????the humour and how you get into details
One word AMAZING???

6 years ago

Oh my??
Its so touchy..
How i wish i was in that position
I love it??

6 years ago

Just made ma week glamourus

Brian Anyona
Brian Anyona
6 years ago

Loving your article bro,it’s humorous

6 years ago

This piece got me laughing my heart out … Good use of vivid description, what a nice way to kick off my Valentine’s week….thanks

6 years ago

woooooooooooow atlist i havent cried on this,
i think its my favourite