THE BEAUTIFUL WERE BORN IN RWANDA

So many things cross the mind of a typical sane man. I hope we all know why I had to include the word ‘sane’ there. Because who knows what a mad man thinks about? Any mad man who escaped from Mathare and was never captured again, now you are reading this to please tell us. It’s a privilege to have you here by the way. Though I wonder how mad you are or how mad you are not if you can literally sit down, find this link, connect to the internet and read. Anyway who cares? So for the mad readers, you will allow me to continue talking about those you should be like; the sane ones I mean. No hard feelings. Ayya, what am I saying. We are saying one of those things that I strongly believe has ever crossed a mwanaume’s mind is this question. Waaaait for it… “I have a mdada friend(s) who is probably the most beautiful being I’ve ever beheld with my own naked eyes. (Ule unakuwanga umemweka ligi yake pekeake.) Though will I ever see one more and I mean ****** much more beautiful than that anywhere on earth before my young mind grows wrinkles?” Mjango, please note my choice of words. I’ve not used words like ‘hot’, ‘sexy’ sijui ‘msupah kuruka’.. ah ah! Those are not gentleman terms to use. However mwanaume, if your type is described like that, I have nothing against you in heaven or on earth. But try call a Rwandan beauty ati msupah kuruka, kiuno kama ya farasi… (If at all she will get that), utaachwa apo ukitafuna ulimi. Ahaa! I just mentioned Rwanda did I? Mjango let me take you on a flight if you’ve never been on one before. So that you’d wish like I wish, that Rwanda was my mother land. Or if not, at least I could always go there to tour African beauty. Critics and fault finders, please I have said to tour, yani kukula kwa macho, if you like. Not to look for side chiqs. (That is after I kwachua a main chiq from there. Pray with me will you.) And for your information mjango, take this to bed. Be a player in Kenya but not in Rwanda. Reason? I will tell you just now. Do you know the size of Rwanda? When a plane flies over Rwanda, inaingia ikitoka. So if you happen to kwachua a mdada from there, be sure in less than a month the whole country plus Bw. Kagame will know. Or if that is not bad enough, try get yourself a bonus mdada, just because men never have enough. Ladies is that true? Only to discover that the bonus mdada is a cousin or a step sister to the first. Heh. Kishaumana eeh? So some time ago a comrade of mine was fortunate to catch a flight to Rwanda for official reasons of course. But what kind of a man will he be to see goddesses never beheld and keep quiet about it? It’s a male code aye. We talk about these things. The wonder of wonders for the mjango began in the Rwandair flight. He described them as a host of angels floating to and fro the plane aisle in air hostess uniforms. “Unbelievable I tell you.” He shakes his head. “Normally people want to seat next to the window. But the heavens knew I didn’t want to count birds in the sky and glide my eyes over the clouds… Such crap mjangoz die to look at especially those aboard for the first time.” He looked like he wanted to roll his eyes while saying, “Pssht”. “The planner of times and seasons must have wanted me to see that perhaps Eve, (not your bae), Eve the rib of Adam must have been an African. Not just any African but a Rwandan for that matter. It made me think that some and I mean a good number of female species from henceforth are diluted breeds.
Diluted in such a manner that they need multiple layers of foundations while doing make up, artificially pumped bums and knockers; to up their beauty esteem they say?” His words, not mine. “But in the land of Kagame lies the true species of African beauty.” “You had started seeing the prelude in mid air…” “Manzeh. But there is one flight attendant that stood out. Waah! Aki ya nani.” Pulling his hair. “Eish relax. Si you’re the one who has been confessing for ages that your bae, Nayanka is the fairest of them all. I see her on instagram. She’s a jackpot mehn.” “Ah! Wacha wacha wacha wewe! This is a different story jamaa. I’m even still nursing it.” “Hehe. Fungua roho ndugu.” “Not short and not too tall either. She is about your height.” “Wow are you trying to say she would really suit me?” He goes silent on that one, with a very serious face. No mwanaume can admit such a thing. That silence I bet was a yes. We all think we are the best in the game. He continues. “Fairly brown complexion. Snow white eyes, not big but very tempting I tell you. I don’t know why I couldn’t help but notice her eye brows. Very accurately arced. She offered a smile periodically to whomever. Her normal facial look is seductive. Mehn the legs? Damn. God forgive my eyes. Had she been a model, heaven knows she could have been the African Tyra Banks.” “The way you’ve explained that, she must have spotted you checking her out.” He laughs and I could measure the guilt in his laughter. “You should have heard her voice too. Damn!” I ask, “Ulirecord?” he clicks. “I’m kidding. Did you speak to her?” “Nothing outside her line of work. She served me a cocktail. Her countenance was ……….overwhelming.” he looked like he’d shed a tear. “She just seemed so African.” Lacking words, “You are not serious.” After some silence, he shakes his head vigorously. “Vick hujaona mrembo wewe.” He throws a hand at me to disapprove me. Being moved, I found myself asking. “Unarudi huko lini twende.” The only response I got was a mischievous smile and a nod. Rwanda? Here I come. To see the beauty that can make a grown man cry. Mamjango who want to join the trip, don’t come with your Kenyan bae. Tafadhali. If you want to really enjoy. Or if you have to, be prepared for a good break up kijana. Ata yeye atakubali tu. But it’s not like going to Mombasa. Please note that. You know what people do when they go to pwani. Hey, beauty lies in eyes of the beholder, fact remains. The beautiful are not yet born. Yes, everywhere else but not in Rwanda baby.
Ps: This piece is attributed to Grace the Rwandese. I just had to. And my editor. Don’t feel unacknowledged, you are also a jewel to my eyes. Hehe. And all our mdadas. Your beautiful is true too. Mjango, valentines is here. Need I say more?