TRYING TO BE A MAN OF THE LADIES

 
A research was done by a local philosopher. He discovered (from experience) that every feminine human species is likely to have at least one male species prospect for her. Mark you, the female species is sickly more in population than the male species. However, not all male species are likely to have a feminine species prospect for them. That’s why mwanaume ni effort. Mince that. (Forgive the coded language)
Well I wish to know the factors that make a male species insignificant in the world of the opposite species. It’s saddening to come to terms with the fact that a mjango could exit the womb he was accidentally or incidentally conceived from, grows up the way he did, puberty kicks in like FBI raiding a drug cartel base, like “Everybody hands up! And don’t move… Move and we will shoot!” Our mjango tries to be the stero and moves. And guess what? What? Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! He ends up in the wrong side of the feminine law. He is slapped, insulted, humiliated, name them.
That’s right. He tries too much to get noticed. Many mjangoz just preserver. Bless you. In fact, if I were the president and you died ‘trying’ to get a mdada to like you, I would order a 21-gun salute at your funeral. You died trying to be a man of the ladies. A rare title among men. Highly sought for. But hey, I can never be a politician, leave alone a president. Yes, that goes out to all those who say I should vie for MCA. Mjango, go get a brain scan will you?
Ouw, we still sympathizing here. Mamdada wetu, let’s just take some time to undress some hidden issues here:
Just how many wanaumez have you ever slapped for one reason or the other?
The words from the dictionary of profanity that you’ve called them?
How he bought a friend of yours kachai so that he’d get your number only for you to do this when he texted:

Those who took small loans so as to treat you for lunch. A day later, they joined a powerful squad behind your Whatsapp block button.
The times you came across a clique with some guys you know. When you start hugging them, there is one kamjango you intentionally skipped. Reason? Best known to you. To add salt or is it rat and rat to the injury, you look at him disdainfully nikama akona pembe na mapua inaanguka kama ya Michael Jackson. Na vile alikuwa amejisetti katikati yao vizuuuri ndo apewe hug. Ukamlenga. Ai. He looks like saying, “Aki kahug tu ndo nanyimwa ivi live live.”
Mdada, you may not know but chances are, you’ve ever made a man cry and want to pee on his pants. Or a combination of a number one, a number two and a number three; for those who speak minion language. Poor mjango. But mdada, I understand why you had and still have to do all that. Sometimes you just want to protect your reputation and interests. Ju enyewe, maybe you saying to yourself, “Ona tu vile anakaa. Na si kwa ubaya. Si ati naeza mwambia pia.”
Don’t condemn yourself just yet. Some mjangoz don’t really deserve it while others do. They be perverts and too egocentric, childish, boring, empty-talkers and worst of all, tufisi! I feel you mdada. So mjango if you happen to be snobbed, kubali na uendelee na maisha. You could be having one of the kasoroz mentioned. Or ladies do you turn down dudes for no good reason? I prefer if that answer were a no. But if you do, we forgive you. (Those who do huenda ni wale wanashindianga ati “We slaying… B*tch… We slaying…” apa instagram na facebook. ‘We slaying’ kitu gani!!) Though yea, a man needs to be turned down once in a while. Trim his ego I say. But if you do that to your crush or bae, don’t come sobbing on my blog. So that you’d quit behaving like tomato sauce; hot and sweet. Ama ukuje tu niandike kukuhusu. You might find another kagood mjango for you among my readers. I’m not saying people should start dating here. Weeh! Staki scandals.
So mjango when you are slapped, don’t slap back. You’d be rendered less of a man you think you really are. When she says you look like this and like that, ati your face switched places with the part you use to sit, don’t cry or wet your pants. At least not before her. I promise you, she might brag about it mpaka apate wajukuu. She will update it everywhere. Kwanza wale wa ‘slaying all day’.

When that happens, quote Psalms 139.14. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Just go check on yourself and see what to adjust. Think it over. For instance if your realize after much thought that when you talked to her, she responded with only gestures and one-one words while looking aside, a hand in between the nose and mouth, kijana you better know what that means. Not that she was shy mjango. I know maybe you thought at that moment you were slaying it, “Eh she is blushing wacha niendelee. Laazma kacome thru.” If only you knew she couldn’t wait for you to finish because of your breath.
Nevertheless, when all that happens, don’t start throwing words and accusations as if you own her. Omera? You’ll be letting us down. Let me not preach. Not just yet. But, all the same if you try to re-adjust, think it over and follow tips on Google on how to be a man of the ladies, yet it doesn’t work… Bado unaona hawako idhaa yako, mjango, I don’t mean to be rude but, tafuta daktari kutoka Zanzibar. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.. Aye!